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Monkeywatch - September 2016

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#1 monkeyman


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Posted 04 September 2016 - 02:57 PM


Greetings Monkeywatchers, and core coon crap for joining us in raking through our latest selection of droppings from Mice City (still think they should’ve called it Rat City.)


The PM has said that he wants the Thai media to be the “mouth, eyes and ears” of the country. Interesting that he’s comparing them to parts of the human body. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to return the compliment.


A taxi driver has been fined after a female passenger videoed him spanking his monkey while eyeing her up in his rear view mirror. The man claimed that he was only scratching an itchy thigh but was unable to explain why his dick was clearly on display so he was fined 2000 baht. The judge added that the fine would have been much larger but for the fact that such an abysmally inadequate apology for a penis was unlikely to prove intimidating to any but the most nervous of women. So you see, size really does matter.


Acting on a tip-off, Chonburi police intercepted a van last week and seized 600,000 yabba tablets along with a Thai man who they suspect is a major drug trafficker, despite his insistence that he’d just been to the local pharmacy to collect his prescription.


Pattaya is pressing ahead with its plan to be twinned with Stonehenge…




Archive time now, so here’s a couple of snippets from the September 2006 edition of Monkeywatch.


“In what’s presumably an attempt to impress somebody or other, Pattaya City Council has given the go-ahead for the construction of a 91-storey condominium tower on Jomtien Beach Road, which will give them the almost slightly amazing reputation of having the world’s tallest residential building. Critics of this enviable erection include the Immigration Authorities, who are concerned that it will attract hordes of end-it-all jumpers whose visas may expire before they hit the ground. Just remember to keep looking up as you walk past, eh?


The boys in brown have been taking a tough line on drink-driving recently, so visitors would be well advised to stay within the prescribed limits when taking to the highway.  However, as the current drink-drive limit is 32 bottles of Singha, three bottles of Mekhong whisky and a gallon of paint stripper, this shouldn’t prove to be too much of a daunting task for the average tourist.”


It’s been announced that the Thai Police Force is to double in size. Guess they must be giving them luncheon vouchers for McDonald’s.


City Hall has banned deckchairs and beach umbrellas from Pattaya Beach after a group of Chinese tourists (yes, them again) were put to flight by irate beach chair vendors. The vendors, it seems, were incensed that the tourists had brought their own chairs and shades so were not paying them any money. The tourist then complained to City Hall who sent a team to the beach to put banning orders in place. One of the vendors claimed they had only asked the hapless Yellow Peril to move away because they might get sand in their desserts. However, it was the vendors who got their just deserts, and they won’t be getting sand in them as they’ve been banned from the beach until September 9. Wonder if that date’s significant?     


Following concerns that the uniforms worn by the Tourist Police Volunteers made them look a bit too much like Nazis, they’re trialling an informal new look, as demonstrated here by a member of the local TPV force…




This month’s bar news is petty sparse. One bit of good news is that afternoon Go Go opening has resumed in some quarters. And World Wide A Go Go has closed for two months – which might be regarded by some as another bit of good news.


Following an investigation by the Department of Special Investigation Bureau of Special Crime 3 (another catchy little name), a local lawyer had his premises raided and was found to be in possession of a dozen chimpanzees and a quantity of washing powder. He was arrested and will appear in court next week to face a charge of monkey laundering.


The proposed launch date of the Pattaya to Hua Hin ferry has finally been announced. The proposed sinking date has been set for a few days later.


City Hall has planted a new tree to welcome Chinese tourists to Pattaya…




The Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced a new plan to attract quality tourists back to Thailand. I suppose you’re thinking you’ve heard it all before. Well, you’re gonna hear it all again. Quality tourists are now apparently defined by the length of their visit and the amount of money they spend. So they’ve launched a new drive to attract more Chinese and Indian visitors. Yeah, right. You couldn’t make it up – and we didn’t. Anyone for the next plan?


A quarantine area has been set up after fifty drums of toxic liquid were discovered in a local sand pit. A local health official said “No problem. We’ll do what we always do. Bottle it up and flog it to the bars.” 


So that’s it for this month, and amazingly, we’ve managed to complete the whole of this edition without saying ‘stinking pig’… oh, bugger.


be seeing you

monkeyman writing.gif


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#2 yorta2


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Posted 05 September 2016 - 12:59 AM

Thanks again for my monthly morning kick-start.

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#3 teelack


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Posted 05 September 2016 - 01:39 AM

Me too. Good start to my week especially those "... Enviable erections"

Sent from my XT1033 using Tapatalk
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#4 Nightrider


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Posted 11 September 2016 - 10:55 AM

Nice laughs yet again , cheers Mr Monkey 

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#5 Bob Belzy

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Posted 13 September 2016 - 09:02 AM

Indians seem down in numbers.

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