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Monkeywatch - October 2016

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#1 monkeyman


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Posted 14 October 2016 - 05:53 PM


Greetings Monkeywatchers, good mourning to you all, and welcome to another selection of dirty deeds from Stinking Pig City.


You know, the demographic in Pattaya is definitely shifting. There’s a more well-off breed of Indian coming onto the scene, chaps who can afford to ride on baht buses and have a drink and a Beach Road slapper all to themselves. At the same time, the affluent Nips and Koreans have now been joined by their less well-heeled countrymen, the oriental equivalent of the stinking pig known as the Cheap Chow Li. They can be seen in bars and Go Gos all round town now sitting on their own nursing the draught beer they bought two hours previously and steadfastly refusing to buy any lady drinks. It’s confusing the hell out of the girls – they just don’t know who to schmooze any more.


Somebody recently commented that there weren’t many Indians in Pattaya at the moment. Reckon they must have been on about the ones with bows and arrows and war paint as the place is crawling with the more familiar variety. A veritable sea of spectacles and moustaches - the bloody place looks like a Groucho Marx convention. Every night you can see hordes of the malodorous little buggers swarming towards the Indian Restaurant on Soi 1 known locally as The Stinking Piggery. Probably only a matter of time before the sods start stampeding like they do in Mecca.


And now, a baht bus tale. In the wee hours a few nights ago, the vehicle in question was parked and waiting for a couple of passengers to make up a full load of Walking Street drunks before setting off northwards. A couple of Indians were sitting at the back, one of whom was leaning over and honking up every 30 seconds or so over the platform at the rear of the bus. Clearly unaware of this, a respectable looking middle-aged Korean chap got on and stood on the platform facing backwards. The Indian who wasn’t giving the performance tried to warn him by prodding him in the back and shouting “Vomit! Vomit!” but the hapless Oriental ignored him until the inevitable happened. Without even looking round, he then quietly disembarked and walked away, shaking his right leg every second step. Guess he was trying to preserve some modicum of dignity, though it’s pretty hard to look dignified when you’ve got some stinking pig’s puke running down your bum crack and out of the leg of your shorts.


If you’re leaving your car on Soi 1, it’s a good idea to avoid parking on the wet cement…




Despite what some would have you believe, nudity definitely seems to be making a comeback in the Go Gos. Been in more than one where there was reportedly no nudity and every girl on the stage was stark bollock naked. Just a case of hanging around for the right point in the dancer cycle, methinks.


Police were called to Second Road after a Chinese bloke on his first visit to Thailand reported that a ladyboy had snatched his gold necklace worth 60,000 baht (yeah, right). The man was distraught and said he doubted that he and his travelling companions would ever visit Thailand again. So that’s 500 cheap tourists and one stick with a flag on it gone forever then.


Those of you who complain about the quality of Go Go Bars in Pattaya should take a trip over to Jomtien and visit We Are No 1 Go Go Bar. Can’t argue with the name, though it isn’t difficult to be No 1 when there aren’t any others. The inside of the place looks like the set from The Munsters and the dancers are a sight to behold – your average hotel room cleaner is younger and better looking than any of ‘em. One definitely looks like the she’s the wrong side of 60 and the rest aren’t too far behind. Add that to the katoey who seems to be running the place and you’ve got a real winner on your hands. Watch out for the Robbie Williams video in there. Robbie’s co-star is the best looker you’ll see in the place. Yeah, you guessed it, it’s ‘Me And My Monkey’. Have fun.


Yet another fast food joint has opened on Beach Road – Kentucky Fried Elephant…




Bar news is a bit thin on the ground again. Kiss A Go Go has reopened after its refit and Las Vegas III has reopened as so Nice A Go Go. Looks like The Sea has finally sunk and will resurface as a beer bar. And that’s about it.


In another master stroke to promote tourism, the local immigration authorities have decided that foreign visitors must spend their entire stay at the address they registered with immigration on arrival or face a fine of 4000 baht. Could be a bit annoying if you’d planned to step outside your hotel room at some point during your visit.


Reports are coming in that workmen supported by the military have been deployed in Soi 6 to get rid of what have been described as ‘encroaching structures’. Not sure what they’re on about – perhaps they’ll be telling all the girls with silicone implants not to sit outside.


We never do…




Another dip into the past now with a wee excerpt from Monkeywatch back in October 2006.


 “Pattaya City Hall recently hosted a seminar for a group of school students to discuss male and female sexuality, and to inform them of the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. They were particularly warned about the dangers of anal sex, which was described to them as “anal vice”. This unfortunately caused confusion among some of the students who had thought this to be a song from ‘The Sound Of Music’.”


Jomtien residents have allegedly been complaining that the trees on the shoreline are making the place too dark by obscuring street lights. One wonders if these ‘residents’ have any connection to the bunch of cowboys who were paid exorbitant amounts of money to vandalise the trees on Beach Road.


Local officials recently organised a youth march through the district to demonstrate against corruption and to teach the young people about morals, values and ethics. However, the march ended after only 10 minutes when local businesses gave in to the demonstrators and offered them 500 baht each to go home.  


Finally, some late news on bar closures. They’re all closed…or are they?


be seeing you

monkeyman writing.gif


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#2 teelack


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Posted 14 October 2016 - 09:09 PM

Thanks once again for starting my day off with a chortle at your twisted mind and great yarns. 

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#3 yorta2


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Posted 15 October 2016 - 12:08 AM

As always, Good Stuff! 

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#4 Bob Belzy

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Posted 16 October 2016 - 12:47 AM

Can't get the idea out of my mind now for new lines to go with Edelweiss 5555


Analvice, Analvice
Every morning you greet me

Small and white, clean and bright
You look happy to meet me

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#5 MeGoDanceNow


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Posted 17 October 2016 - 09:06 PM

Anal vice, anal vice

Pink balloon knot to greet me

Small and tight, douch'd and bright

Lubed and happy to grease me

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#6 Nightrider


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Posted 30 October 2016 - 05:46 PM

Nice one as per usual monkey man........... :thumbup

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#7 yes


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Posted 05 December 2018 - 05:33 AM

Just joined today.  I found your Monkeytalk most entertaining and true...

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