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Monkeywatch - February 2017

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#1 monkeyman


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Posted 16 February 2017 - 07:23 PM


Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome to this month’s peek through the curtains at what’s been going on and going off in Smirk City.


Everybody has their own way of celebrating Valentine’s Day, and in the case of the Boys in Brown it took the form of a Valentine’s Day Go Go raiding party in the Walking Street area. This was allegedly carried out “to give tourists a warm feeling and to assure them of their safety.” Don’t think the punter who they caught on the job in a ST room felt too safe. He may well have got a warm feeling though – the poor sod probably pissed himself.


There’s a thread running on one of the boards enquiring about which hotel guys stayed at on their first visit to Pattaya. Remember it well - The Cholchan (now The Mercure). Their advertising blurb said it was 10 minutes from Walking Street and one couldn’t help but wonder what method of transport they employed to time the journey. Doubt if a cruise missile could have done it in that time.


A Finnish bloke broke both his arms after jumping into one of Pattaya’s partially constructed new road tunnels. The reason for his action has not yet been established, though as he broke his arms rather than his legs, the theory is he must have dived rather than jumped. Should’ve waited for the rainy season. Expect everybody’ll be able to dive into the tunnels then.


Pattaya is proud to announce the opening of this amazing new three-storey mega coffee shop…




And now another trip down memory soi with a pair of Monkeywatch stories from February 2007…


“Well, the big story just after New Year was the bomb scare on North Pattaya Road caused by the hapless loon whose car exploded after he fitted it with an LPG fuel system to save money. In an attempt to retrieve the situation, he said that the car had never experienced any problems until it blew up, but the general consensus from those present was that they’d sooner buy a used car from Richard Nixon.


Whoops, they did it again. As you may well have heard, the Thai authorities have come up with yet another brilliant new scheme to cut crime by having bar owners install CCTV cameras in their premises. Predictably, the announcement sparked off a huge crime wave, as thefts from shops selling CCTV equipment tripled overnight. Don’t you love it when a plan falls apart?”


A Pattaya restaurant owner decided to throw his premises open for a couple of days last month to collect donations for flood victims in Southern Thailand. He collected 200 baht, had his freezer stolen and got kicked in the balls by a drunk. There’s a moral in there somewhere, but we’re damned if we can find it.


A farang was arrested in Central Pattaya around midnight the other day after reports that he was running around naked with a knife, threatening people and attempting to damage property. Police still don’t know his identity or nationality as they couldn’t get a word out of him. Nice to see that TAT’s charm offensive to attract more quality tourists is working so well.


Here’s a couple of new boilers spotted in Pattaya. Makes a welcome change from the old boilers in most of the bars…




A bit of bar news now, and Overmind has gone lights out yet again. The Amethyst saga continues, as it’s reopened yet again under the name of Gold. And Tiger on Soi Diamond, after a failed excursion into the nightclub market, is to return to its Go Go roots. Well done guys – you know it makes sense.


A Thai couple were arrested last week after police raided their condo and seized a large haul of fake handbags reckoned to be worth around 10 million baht. The couple admitted the offence but said they thought their business was legal as they only sold the handbags to fake women.


Up in Bangkok, police divers have been searching a lake for a used car salesman who’d been reported missing a while back. The search was instigated by some fisherman who reported a bad smell in the area and naturally thought it might be a used car salesman. Anyway, the divers found some bones and they’ve been sent for forensic tests to see if they’re human. If they aren’t, they’ve probably found their man.


Police are still searching for the Pattaya dog thief as the six Korean restaurant owners they arrested have now been released without charge.


Not content with stealing from tourists on Beach Road, the local thieves are now stealing Beach Road itself…




In a crackdown to enforce the new designated stopping areas, no less than 32 baht buses have been confiscated by the military for stopping when they shouldn’t. This is a replacement for the old system of baht buses not stopping when they should, usually when you’re on your own and the driver spots a group of Chinese just down the road. Bastards – the drivers that is, not the Chinese. On second thoughts yeah, the Chinese as well.


The vehicle ban at Bali Hai Pier while repairs are carried out is still causing a stink – literally. Tourist boats are now having to use the garbage barge docks and passengers have complained that they are having to climb over putrid garbage in order to disembark. Anyone who’s been on an EasyJet flight to Ibiza in a non-aisle seat must know what that feels like.


Finally, an Italian expat taking a stroll in Jomtien a couple of weeks ago was unexpectedly killed after a tree branch spontaneously broke off and gave him a whop over the head. Wonder how it knew he was Italian?


be seeing you

monkeyman writing.gif


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#2 Nightrider


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Posted 19 February 2017 - 08:09 PM

Great read as usual mr monkey.......... :thumbup

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