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Monkeywatch - March 2017

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#1 monkeyman


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Posted 15 March 2017 - 05:57 PM


Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome as we cast another beady eye over the ups and downs of life on the street. And off it.


Well, it was here we go again time this month as the government ordered a new crackdown on Pattaya’s nightlife following an article in brit rag The Daily Mirror exposing the alleged shocking goings-on in Fun City. This is of course the same paper that exposed the shocking goings-on in war-torn Iraq using photos that were later proven to have been taken in the Liverpool area (which admittedly does look like war-torn Iraq.) Anyway, the government decided that the article had tarnished the country’s image (unlike a military coup, presumably) and so ordered a blitz on bars, street hookers and ST rooms. They obviously think that having government policy dictated by a downmarket foreign newspaper puts the country in a good light. Perhaps the Daily Mirror would like to write a follow-up piece entitled “Pattaya Tourists Terrorised In Police Bar Raids” in the interests of balanced reporting. Nah, on second thoughts they wouldn’t know what it was.


This all harks back to the furore in 1999 when the Thai authorities went apeshit after a British journalist described Pattaya as a “sexual Disneyland”, though it was never made entirely clear which of the two words he used had caused the offence. 


In another effort to discourage prostitution, it’s been decreed that bar girls won’t be allowed to consort with foreign men in public unless they’re accompanied by a monk. Trouble is, the monks around here seem to have more run-ins with the police than the bar girls do. Not that it matters, as we’ve already been officially told that there isn’t any prostitution in Pattaya, so that stuff in the Daily Mirror must have been fake news. Imagine our surprise.


By the way, all of this frantic police activity is allegedly to make tourists feel happy and safe. Well, when I’m in a bar having a quiet drink and minding my own business, there’s nothing that makes me feel happier and safer than having a gang of uniformed thugs kick the doors in, throw me out on the street and close the place down. Next crisis please.


City Hall say they have some exciting new plans in the pipeline. All they have to do now is figure out how to get them out…




Thailand has made a complaint to the authorities in Hong Kong after it was discovered that immigration officials were asking any Thai woman who arrived there if she planned to engage in prostitution. This is known as a rhetorical question.


Now the army has decreed that baht buses can only stop in designated places, the local authorities are painting the town red – literally. Huge swathes of red paint are being spread liberally over the roads so people can see where the baht buses are supposed to stop. And of course being red it also cleverly conceals the remains of any hapless punter who’s stupid enough to assume that if he steps into the road the bus will stop for him.


Tourists and locals gathered outside Mike Shopping Mall a couple of weeks ago to protest about pedestrian traffic lights that haven’t worked for over a year. Seems the locals are upset about the lights being stuck on green because it doesn’t give them any red lights to shoot. And the tourists are upset because they can’t get the lights to change. Someone should tell them that nothing ever changes in Pattaya.


Sci-fi fans on Beach Road were given a treat this month when R2D2’s cousin paid a flying visit…




Bar news now, and that old chestnut World Wide A Go Go has finally a gone gone. Seems the owners have decided to get out of the meat trade as it’s going to become a new branch of Burger King. Both Frog Queen and Pacha A Go Go have managed that rare feat of closing down before they even opened. Licensing issues, apparently. Overmind has reopened yet again, though by the time you read this it’ll probably have closed. And it looks like Alcatraz A Go Go has gone the same way as the prison (though you’d probably have had a better night out in the prison.) The place is now undergoing some form of refurbishment, as confirmed by the sign outside saying “Another Quality Project Under Construction”. As in quality tourist?


Speaking of which, a Russian quality tourist was nabbed by a shopkeeper the other week for stealing a watch worth 1200 baht. With the benefit of hindsight, it probably wasn’t a smart move to take the watch back to the shop where he stole it to complain that it was a fake. When police arrived, the hapless Ruskie tried to blame the shopkeeper for the incident as he’d claimed that the watch was worth 50,000 baht and therefore seemed to be well worth stealing. Police were unimpressed and arrested the Ruskie for theft, though a further arrest for attempted fraud was not pursued after the shopkeeper made a generous donation to the Police Benevolent Fund. 


Okay, here’s another blast from the past with a brace of snippets from the Monkeywatch of March 2007…


“The constructors of Pattaya’s new relief road say that that its completion has been delayed because of a telephone pole that stands slap bang in the middle of where the road is supposed to run, and that there’ll be a bit of a hold up while it’s removed. Bollocks. We’ve seen a baht bus driver remove one in two seconds flat.


Have you noticed that there’s been a lot of bother involving Scandinavians in Pattaya recently? And we always thought that they were supposed to be such nice peaceful fellows. I mean, those two blokes in Abba never punched anybody out, did they? Probably left it to the girls.”


If you see Batman, tell him we’ve found it…




Just spotted an article about customers who are seeking help for an unfinished Pattaya condominium project. Always pleased to help – there’ll be a brick in the post tomorrow morning.


Finally, a couple of canine capers. The mystery of the 30 or so stray dogs that have gone missing in Pattaya over the last few weeks has been solved – it seems that Cambodian construction workers have been eating them. Police have told them to stop it so that should be the end of the matter.


In another doggie incident, the owner of a dog in Muang that bit a small child is now claiming that the dog was merely retaliating because the child had bitten it first. Police ordered that it should be taken away and eaten by Cambodian construction workers, but after dinner had to go back and explain to the workers that they’d actually been talking about the dog.


And a bit of breaking news to finish. Blue Sky on Walking Street has burnt down. Welcome to the Happy Zone.


be seeing you

monkeyman writing.gif


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#2 MM


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Posted 16 March 2017 - 01:25 AM

I love the child bites dog ending :P

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#3 michaelday


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Posted 16 March 2017 - 01:58 PM

Thanks Monkeyman, you never fail to make me chuckle.

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#4 teelack


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Posted 16 March 2017 - 07:38 PM

Thanks for my morning fix. Appreciate your words of wisdom as always.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
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#5 biggles


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Posted 17 March 2017 - 03:54 AM

“The constructors of Pattaya’s new relief road say that that its completion has been delayed because of a telephone pole that stands slap bang in the middle of where the road is supposed to run,"

I remember this also happening on Soi Bonkot (where The Love Inn is) years ago with a light pole. They eventually removed the pole but left the hole in the middle of the road. Locals put tree branches in the hole to mark it during flooding. Time passed, the hole got bigger, the branches got bigger and nothing was done. I think it was around 8-10 months before it was filled in....Ah, Thailand
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