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Monkeywatch - May 2017

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#1 monkeyman


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Posted 16 May 2017 - 03:05 PM


Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for keeping the faith, and welcome to another walk through the world of weird. Walk this way.


Pattaya Police have got themselves a new recruit in the form of a drone that will be used to keep an eye on the goings-on in Walking Street. It’ll be interesting to see how long this latest fad lasts before it hits some power cables or tourists and then gets chucked into the same skip as the broken CCTV system, the electronic tourist information boards that were scrapped without ever being used and every other piece of failed technological junk that’s been deployed over the years to make Pattaya a safer place for Johnny Tourist. Or should that be Mohammed Tourist now?


An allegedly British quality tourist was caught and hogtied by locals after they caught him running half naked across the rooves of their houses and shouting gibberish after a night on the piss in Walking Street. Can’t imagine what made them think he was a Brit. Anyway, the police came up with this marvellous theory that may have got lost trying to find his hotel. Well, you know how it is. You have a few drinks, try to find your way home and end up half naked on the roof of somebody’s house shouting your mouth off. Happens all the time. Somebody actually tried to defend him by pointing out that it wasn’t unusual to see Brits on the street stripped to the waist. The police agreed, but added that they normally do it from the waist up.


A Pattaya fruit vendor turned up at the police station last week to report that she’d been the victim of an internet swindle after receiving a Facebook message from a complete stranger telling her she’d won a million baht. All she had to do was send him 3000 baht and her bank details and the money was hers. She duly sent off the money (as you do) but was disappointed to find that there was a shortfall in the amount she received – a one million baht shortfall to be exact. Reports of her story appear to have made her a lot of new friends on Facebook, though strangely they all seem to come from Nigeria.


There was yet another electric type problem last week after a car demolished two power poles and disrupted electricity supplies, cable TV and phone services. Let’s see ‘em try to blame this one on a fuckin’ squirrel (or maybe the new drone.)


In an attempt to raise the quality of visitors to Pattaya, the local tourist board have started a cull of backpackers…




Onlookers were more than a little surprised when a drunk was washed up on their local beach after falling in the water about a mile away and being carried down the coast by a strong current. He then got up, staggered off to the nearest bar and went back on the piss. Just another day in Fun City.


The army are complaining that they haven’t got enough manpower in Pattaya to enforce the new baht bus routes as most of the drivers are ignoring the new regulations and going wherever the hell they want. They reckon they have two alternatives to solve the problem – shoot the offending drivers, or approach the UN to set up an international military presence with a brief to enforce the rule of law as enshrined in the code of international justice. There is, of course, a third and more practical alternative – give up.


Pattaya’s hotel industry has been criticized by tourism officials for not making enough effort to obtain MICE business. Funny that – most of the hotels we’ve seen in Pattaya have had mice business in just about every bloody room.


Following yet another reduction in the maximum space allowed for deckchair operators, they’re having a bit of difficulty fitting everything in … 




It’s that bar news moment again, but there’s jack shit been going on. Overmind has closed again, but that’s hardly news as it happens about once a week. It’s looking a bit more permanent this time though. Wet Six Club has opened on Soi 6. We heard their very first customer turned up thinking it was called Wet Sex Club. He only stayed for one drink then pissed off because he wasn’t pissed on.


After years of blood, sweat and gridlock, Pattaya’s legendary Central Road tunnel is finally about to open itself to the great unwashed. The local Highways Department admitted that when the tunnel opens the road surface will be incomplete, the signs won’t be in place, the barriers won’t be painted, the landscaping will be unfinished and the lights won’t be fully functional, but dismissed discussion of all this as “splitting hairs.” It may not matter anyway, as the construction company have said that if they don’t get paid soon they’ll come back and take the whole lot away. Meanies.


Another look at the way things used to be with a couple of tales from Monkeywatch back in May 2007…


“On May 1, the annual Crocodile Egg Eating Competition took place at the Pattaya Crocodile Farm, which involves contestants trying to be the fastest to eat 10 eggs. The competition was won by a Thai tourist, who collected a handsome prize of 10,000 baht.  This was shortly followed by an unscheduled tourist eating competition after several crocodiles escaped from their pens and ran amok. The head keeper said that they’d been unable to establish if any of the crazed reptiles had managed to devour 10 tourists, but added that it didn’t really matter, as 10,000 baht was bugger all use to a crocodile anyway.


Pattaya Police have reported that a gang of thieves poisoned a family’s poodle then stole goods worth several hundred thousand baht from their house. The Korean family involved said that it was bad enough losing the property without having their dinner ruined as well.”


Pattaya has announced plans to step up production of methane…




There’s a new push by City officials to get rid of the rats on Beach Road that “damage the image of Pattaya.” So why don’t they just confiscate their jet skis?


Police have increased their anti-sex patrols on Pratamnak Hill after reports that couples have been having it off in the bushes and have been questioning suspects, perhaps along the lines of “What are you doing with girl?” “Nothing, officer.” “Well piss off then and let a man get in.”


Oh, and there was a clean-up of the Pattaya sex industry by the police and the army last Wednesday but nobody seems to have noticed.


be seeing you

monkeyman writing.gif


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#2 teelack


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Posted 17 May 2017 - 09:45 AM

As usual I enjoyed the update on Pattaya and always appreciate your twisted perspective on sin city.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
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#3 Nightrider


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Posted 18 May 2017 - 06:31 PM

Another great read and laugh mr monkey...... :thumbup

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