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Lawyer Jokes


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#1 midlifecrisis

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Posted 02 September 2017 - 11:38 PM

I had never seen the Matt Damon movie "The Rainmaker" until a few days ago. In it he plays a fledgling lawyer.

 

During the movie he narrates a couple of lawyer jokes, saying the lawyers not only like lawyer jokes but are actually proud of them.

 

Here are the two jokes from the movie and hope you share more!

 

 

1. How do you know when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

 

 

2. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.


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#2 nkped

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Posted 03 September 2017 - 01:09 AM

Joke but a lot of truth, new lawyer moves to a small town where he is the only lawyer in town and hangs out his shingle. He almost starves. Second lawyer moves to town. Result? They both prosper.
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#3 midlifecrisis

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Posted 03 September 2017 - 01:20 AM

Joke but a lot of truth, new lawyer moves to a small town where he is the only lawyer in town and hangs out his shingle. He almost starves. Second lawyer moves to town. Result? They both prosper.

 

Excellent!


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#4 RhinoTusk

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Posted 03 September 2017 - 05:27 AM

The difference between a lawyer and a hooker is that the lawyer will do anything for money.


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#5 Lantern

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Posted 03 September 2017 - 06:36 AM

Joke 1:

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets."

Joke 2:

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Joke 3:

One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

Joke 4:

As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

Joke 5:

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Joke 6:

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.

Joke 7:

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

Joke 8:

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller.

Joke 9:

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!"

His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"

Joke 10:

How many lawyer jokes are in existence?

 

Only three. All the rest are true stories.


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#6 Bushcraft

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Posted 03 September 2017 - 06:40 AM

This one is called the lawyer's conundrum:

You have billed an elderly, almost senile old lady $8000 for legal services after the death of her husband.

She mistakenly adds a zero and sends you a check for $80,000.

The conundrum: Do you tell your partners. 


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#7 VPI78

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Posted 04 September 2017 - 12:08 PM

It was so cold today my lawyer had his hands in his own pockets.


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#8 midlifecrisis

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Posted 04 September 2017 - 12:12 PM

It was so cold today my lawyer had his hands in his own pockets.

 

Excellent


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#9 MeGoDanceNow

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Posted 17 September 2017 - 12:59 PM

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

 

A rooster clucks defiance.


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#10 Nightrider

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Posted 01 October 2017 - 02:38 PM

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60........................A Judge...!

 

What do lawyers and sperm have in common..........One in 3 million have a chance of becoming a human being.......!

 

What do you call 25 lawyers buried up to there necks in concrete...........Not enough concrete........! 


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#11 davethailand

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Posted 01 October 2017 - 05:47 PM

My late Dad was a lawyer or professional liar as he used to joke but in all seriousness I saw him work and he was brilliant and believe it or not he had ethics.

This is one of his pictures which I've kept in the house, always made me chuckle.

:)

 

Attached File  20171001_183937.jpg   82.27KB   4 downloads


Edited by davethailand, 01 October 2017 - 05:49 PM.

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#12 Bob Belzy

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Posted 14 October 2017 - 12:08 AM

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

 

A: Nothing, they are both bottom crawling scum suckers.


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