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Monkeywatch - October 2017

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#1 monkeyman


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Posted 22 October 2017 - 08:52 PM

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to this month’s sombre lockdown look at No Fun City.


Following the success of the Wednesday deckchair ban in ridding the beach of holidaymakers, the authorities have taken further steps to free Pattaya from the scourge of tourism by banning smoking and the sale of alcohol on all beaches. So what will the next beach ban be then? Shorts and sandals? Bastards.


An Iranian bloke was given a good kicking in the wee hours (nasty) after he and his mate were set upon by some Thai blokes and his alleged buddy ran off and left him to it. He told police that the pair of them had just been innocently admiring the views, but the police officer who took the statement wasn’t convinced and warned him that if it was found that the attackers had been provoked by any kind of stinking piggery he’d be chucked in the slammer before his flip flops touched the ground.


Police received a complaint from a Chonburi woman after she went for a Thai massage and during the proceedings the masseur somehow managed to break her leg. This particular massage is apparently known as ‘jap sai’ (or something like that) and can be a little on the vigorous side. Anyway, if you want a massage with an unhappy ending, that seems to be the place to go.


Very effective new sign in Pattaya. Police are reporting 100 per cent compliance…




Pattaya Complaint Center has proudly announced that it dealt with 7500 complaints in the last year, though they conveniently forgot to mention that half the complaints were against them for the incompetent way they’d handled the other half.


Thefts from hotel rooms in Pattaya are not exactly uncommon, but someone may have broken new ground by stealing the thermostat control from the aircon unit in his room. Just disconnected it, unscrewed it from the wall and checked out as cool as you like, which is more than can be said for the poor bugger who got the room after him.


The new baht bus stops are being treated with the anticipated level of contempt, with the exception of the last stop on Beach Road. This may have something to do with there being a traffic cop stationed just around the corner, along with a man in an orange jacket brandishing a whistle. Now it’s generally accepted that under no circumstances should you ever give a Thai man a hammer or a whistle. If he’s got both, get the hammer off him and use it on the bloody whistle.


Another piece of useful advice…




Bar news now, and the old Armageddon Bar on LK Metro has finally reappeared as Pulse A Go Go. On Soi Diamond, Center Club has opened where Maxine’s once stood. Good to see Rock Street back on top form after being rebuilt following the suicide squirrel attack, and with aircon too – nice. 


An Indian doctor who complained that a baht bus driver had called him a stinking pig has received an apology from the Baht Bus Drivers Association. They accepted that a man of his professional stature should be treated with more respect and have instructed that all drivers should in future refer to him as ‘Doctor Stinking Pig’.


Drifting back in time now, with a trio of snippets from Monkeywatch in October 2007…


“A survey was carried out recently asking the girls in Pattaya what they enjoyed most about young farang blokes, to which most of them replied “laughing at their shorts”. We’ll spare the blushes of you older fellers by not reporting what it was about you that made them laugh the most.


We often wonder how fellers manage to convince their families and friends that some of the girls they’ve brought home have never worked in a bar. It’s hard to imagine that even the most devoted kith and kin, when confronted with this vision of peroxide, tattoos and chewing gum, could be persuaded that it was studying to be a marine biologist.


Now here’s something you don’t hear about every day. A week or so ago, the ever-vigilant boys in brown carried out a raid on, of all places, a furniture shop. Not sure what they were looking for. A table showing too much leg perhaps?”


And of course, these things are also with us now, but nobody seems to know what they are…




A buffalo ran amok through the streets a couple of weeks ago after it escaped from the Buddhist Lent races. Six people were taken to hospital after getting the horn before the beast could be brought under control. The hapless animal has apparently since been sold to McDonalds, the reason for which has been the subject of much speculation.


You’re all no doubt familiar with the good luck ritual carried out in Go Go Bars that ends with a naked girl throwing a bucket of iced water between her legs and out of the door. Well in one bar, the doorman didn’t warn an approaching punter and he had the whole lot thrown over his dick. He walked into the place looking like he’d pissed himself, though by now he was the only person in there who hadn’t.


Finally, a laundry shop was blown to smithereens last week after a dryer exploded and devastated the surrounding vicinity. Sounds like everybody lost their shirt on that deal.


be seeing you





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#2 jacko


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Posted 22 October 2017 - 10:12 PM

A great funny read as usual.

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#3 short


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Posted 22 October 2017 - 10:44 PM

I was having breakfast one day in the Honey Inn restaurant when I observed one of the staff lose control of and drop one of those 10 gallon water barrels.  It was like everything was happening in slow motion.  As the big plastic bottle hit the the ground, water moved from the top of the bottle to the bottom of bottle.  And as the water hit the bottom of the bottle you could see the return wave of water back to the spout.  Now because water is in-compressible, the water at the spout was forced out at a speed of about 20 times the speed that the bottle had been dropped to the floor.   The water left the spout and shot across the room as though it had been shout out of a cannon and got a direct hit on me.    

Edited by short, 22 October 2017 - 10:52 PM.

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#4 yorta2


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Posted 22 October 2017 - 11:42 PM

Thanks for the science lesson....
Well done again Monkeyman.
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#5 midlifecrisis


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Posted 23 October 2017 - 01:04 AM

My ex-wife gave me the horn. I wonder if she was in Pattaya.

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