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Monkeywatch - December 2017

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#1 monkeyman


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Posted 22 December 2017 - 10:55 PM


Greetings Monkeywatchers, a festive showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this year’s yuletide goings on in Santa Pattaya. Jingle bahts, jingle bahts, jingle all the way…bah, humbug.


A couple of jet ski operators have been arrested after a Chinese tourist accused them of stealing stuff worth a million baht from his bag while he went swimming in the sea off the coast of Koh Larn. A million baht? Christ on a bike, what did he have in the bag? A couple of giant pandas and the fuckin’ tour bus? This story is just so hard to believe. Jet Ski operators bring arrested?


There’s a new live TV game show being filmed every week in Hooters called ‘Face The Clock. This is not to be confused with the old game show ‘Face The Cock’ that’s been performed live on Soi 6 for decades.


The tourist police have been paying visits to Pattaya beach and shaking down local boat owners to make sure their vessels are licensed, safe and seaworthy. They also told the boat owners that they should instruct passengers in the use of life jackets and safe swimming, as they’ll probably need both of these skills if they’re daft enough to hire one of these floating death traps.


Proof that Pattaya tourism really is a rip-off…




If Thai food is so good, how come so many Thai birds want to go to sushi restaurants all the time? Bloody horrible stuff. How many different ways can you serve slime? The only upside is that some of them serve the food on a naked woman lying across the table, so if you ever go to one of these places, make sure you don’t have enough money to pay the bill then they’ll make you do the washing up.


Traffic police have started issuing the new style tickets introduced by the big cheeses in Bangkok. These are much more hi-tech than the old ones, featuring barcodes and check boxes in place of the old indecipherable scribble. Bet they even tell you which of the cop’s pockets to put the money in. Fortunately, Pattaya police are very easy to spot during the Christmas period – they’ve all got a sprig of mistletoe down the back of their trousers.


Pattaya has begun a PR campaign to inform tourists about the beach smoking ban that’s being introduced in February to rid the beach of cigarette butts. Flyers were handed out and signs waved to let people know that if they light up on the beach in future they’ll go to prison for the rest of their lives. In an attempt to appease dissenters, onlookers were shown designated smoking areas that have been set up behind the deckchairs. When someone remarked that there was nowhere in these areas to deposit cigarette butts, he was told “No problem. Just chuck ‘em on the beach.”


Tinned stinking pig is now available on Soi 1…




Very little in the way of bar news this month. Upstairs A Go Go has been replaced by Cocoon, a go go and show bar featuring some kind of acrobatic show. No black girls though. And 4Play A Go Go has opened on Soi 6, replacing something or other.


City Hall has finally announced that it is to repair all of Pattaya’s one thousand or so broken CCTV cameras. Work crews are currently surveying the city to determine which cameras need repairing or replacing. The City Council chairman has instructed the relevant departments to get the job done as quickly as possible, but added that “New cameras should be procured without corruption and at market prices.” Anybody spotted the problem?


A visitation from ghosts of Christmas past, with a couple of yuletide tales from Monkeywatch of December 2007…


An unusual story recently emerged from the Reung Yoong Tong Village in Sattahip, where residents have devised an ingenious way of stopping stray dogs pissing outside their houses. They put plastic bottles full of water around the perimeter and when a dog comes for a piddle, he eyes his own reflection, which he thinks to be a hostile animal, and off he goes. Hence the expression “Yoong Tong piddle eye go” (if you’re under 50, ask your dad to explain it to you). It’s been rumoured that a few Go Go owners are thinking of trying it out to see if it works on Chinese tourists.


It’s been revealed that City Hall has given 4 million baht to the Tourist Authority of Thailand to promote Pattaya after a survey revealed that most young Thai tourists come to the city for the late night entertainment. The campaign, known as “Pattaya 3 Months Non-Stop Fun”, will run until the end of the year in order to promote the benefits of the city’s late night entertainment venues and other fun activities. Unfortunately, this intrepid venture was unveiled at just about the same time as the boys in brown were closing all the bars at 1pm and it was announced that fireworks would be banned for Loy Krathong. You really need to get your heads together on this one, boys.”


Looks like the deckchair operators’ plots have been downsized even more…




A South Korean tourist was beaten unconscious by a group of baht bus drivers a few days ago after he got into an argument with one of them. For the last time, the fare’s 10 bloody baht. Why don’t people listen?


Pattaya tourist officials have reported that the trend for visitors is away from package tours and towards independent travel, which when translated means less Chinese and more Europeans. They say this is a good thing, as independent travellers spend more. Which is of course the exact opposite to what they were saying 10 years ago, when they derided European visitors because “they spend little”, and then opened the flood gates to a tsunami of assorted stinking pigs from the arseholes of Asia by offering them various incentives to choose Thailand as the destination of choice for their penniless carcases. It’d be organised chaos if they could find someone to organise it.       


It’s been reported that the CPDC has opened two new dorms in Pattaya. Absolutely no idea what that means, but thought you might like to know. Knowledge is power and all that.


Finally, in a Monkeywatch poll to find the worst bar in Pattaya, they all won. Merry Christmas.


be seeing you



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#2 yorta2


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Posted 23 December 2017 - 12:23 AM

Thanks once again monkeyman for a good year's reporting. Have a lovely Christmas.
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#3 teelack


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Posted 23 December 2017 - 02:21 AM

Thanks. Your contribution to the Pattaya scene is appreciated. 


Merry Christmas and an optimistic New Year. 

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