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Monkeywatch - July 2018

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#1 monkeyman


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Posted 12 July 2018 - 06:36 PM


Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for turning up for another month, and welcome to this month’s tales of the unexpected (well they would be if they happened anywhere else.) On with the show.


It’s been announced that Thailand manufactured more than 190,000 vehicles in the month of May, a considerable increase on last year’s figures and almost as many as were written off by Thai drivers during the same period. Impressive.


Electric trolley buses are being trialled in Pattaya in what is presumably yet another attempt to overthrow the baht bus culture in Pattaya. As the saying goes, if it ain’t broke, fix it ‘til it is.


Tourists have been blamed by locals for messing up Pattaya with unsightly stickers. Tourists, on the other hand, have blamed locals for messing up Pattaya with unsightly Thais. Touche.


Not the best place in the world to go snorkelling…




Police are hunting a beach vendor after he allegedly threatened to shoot a Chinese tourist unless he bought one of his crocodile bags. Having seen the quality of those bags, it was probably a tough choice.


It’s been reported recently that a Pattaya taxi driver returned a lost bag containing 50,000 baht to a tourist and that this was a fine example of the honesty and integrity of the Thai people. What it doesn’t say is how much was in the bag before it was lost.


The Thai Culture Ministry has issued a missive reminding tourists that sex toys are illegal in Thailand. They went on to say that people with urges should engage in an alternative activity such as visiting a temple, playing sport or meditating. Now that’d really give the Chinese tourists something to gawp at.


Even the wheelie bins get pissed in this place…




A busy bar news this month, with a bundle of new names emerging. Annabelle’s has become Panda A Go Go, Addiction is now Twenty Eight and Kaos is renamed Dolls LK. Yes A Go Go has finally reopened and there’s a rumour that Angelwitch may yet be resurrected. And remember Eden Club, the place that closed, reopened, closed again, reopened again and closed again? Yes, it’s reopened again, so get in there quick if you’re interested, but just order the one drink in case the place closes again before you have time to finish it. Hot Girls has closed down, so bad news for local darts and balloon manufacturers.


Pattaya has announced plans to introduce bus stops like those in western countries in the belief that people will be more inclined to use them than the current red splodges. They plan to introduce stops with shelters and seating, which will be then liberally covered with fast food cartons, cigarette butts and urine in order to give tourists that true home from home experience.


Look over the shoulder time now with a couple of oldies from Monkeywatch in July 2008…


“We begin with a strange tale concerning the arrest in Pattaya Market last weekend of three men for impersonating monks. Well actually they really were monks, or at least they had been monks until three days before when they were defrocked and became ex-monks, so when they were arrested they weren’t monks anymore so they were in fact charged with pretending to be the monks they’d previously been. Well, that’s that cleared up then.


Police raided two South Pattaya restaurants the other weekend and took away eight illegal Burmese immigrants. Two of them were being used as waiters and the other six as ingredients.”


Police arrested two men after they were caught trying to steal Pattaya Beach despite their claim that they were just borrowing it for a local production of Lawrence of Arabia…




Bali Hai Pier is to install shaded waiting areas for boat passenger after local businesses said they were no longer prepared to sweep up all the dead Chinese tourists who’d fallen victim to the intense heat. “The bloody council send all these little yellow buggers down here and then expect us to clear up the mess” complained one disgruntled businessman. “Why can’t they send them back to the beach and let the tide get rid of them?” The official in charge was approached for comment but was said to be unavailable due to an urgent appointment with a bottle of Mekhong Whisky.


Thailand has decided to reintroduce the death penalty after a gap of nearly 10 years. The announcement was quickly followed by the disbandment of large numbers of bridge clubs and darts teams.


Some good news and some bad news about Pattaya Beach. The good news is that the rats are starting to move out. The bad news is they’re being evicted by cockroaches. There goes the neighbourhood.


Finally, Pattaya authorities have come up with yet another ban, coupled with a 3000 baht fine, on passengers standing in or on the back of baht buses. So how will they get to the seats then?


be seeing you



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#2 teelack


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Posted 12 July 2018 - 09:56 PM

As usual you started my day off with a chortle. I particularly liked the following and as a scrabble player I have to believe that they will eventually come for me. 


Thailand has decided to reintroduce the death penalty after a gap of nearly 10 years. The announcement was quickly followed by the disbandment of large numbers of bridge clubs and darts teams.

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#3 Nightrider


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Posted 15 July 2018 - 06:36 PM

Another good giggle monkey man......
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#4 midlifecrisis


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Posted 03 August 2018 - 06:30 PM

always so funny but enlightening as well

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